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Decided to channel my inner tebman and pen this ditty to the tune of The Ballad of John and Yoko:
Sitting there at Guaranteed Rate
Thinking about Cora and Hinch
The chairman walked in
And said, “It would be a sin
If we don’t bring Tony back in a cinch.”
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
Finally made the call to that guy
Although he hadn’t been in my plans
I told him the boss
Thought it would be awesomesauce
To return despite the thoughts of our fans
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
He came from Anaheim to Chicago
We talked with him for maybe a week
The news people said
“What’s going on in your head?
La Russa’s gonna disrupt the peace”
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
Dealing with the backlash almost every day
Thought they would warm up to it
Then comes a DUI
I thought I’d wanna die
But still, he’s gonna manage our club, damn
Even if he isn’t found guilty
Of driving while he was in the bag
The newspapers said
He had a big head
Now our foundation’s starting to sag
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
Now our fans are all angry at us
And we suffocate in a sack
The folks from the press
Who saw last season’s success
Have realized our chairman’s a hack
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
Sitting there at Guaranteed Rate
Thinking about Cora and Hinch
The chairman walked in
And said, “It would be a sin
If we don’t bring Tony back in a cinch.”
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
Finally made the call to that guy
Although he hadn’t been in my plans
I told him the boss
Thought it would be awesomesauce
To return despite the thoughts of our fans
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
He came from Anaheim to Chicago
We talked with him for maybe a week
The news people said
“What’s going on in your head?
La Russa’s gonna disrupt the peace”
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
Dealing with the backlash almost every day
Thought they would warm up to it
Then comes a DUI
I thought I’d wanna die
But still, he’s gonna manage our club, damn
Even if he isn’t found guilty
Of driving while he was in the bag
The newspapers said
He had a big head
Now our foundation’s starting to sag
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
Now our fans are all angry at us
And we suffocate in a sack
The folks from the press
Who saw last season’s success
Have realized our chairman’s a hack
Christ you know it ain't easy
You know how hard it can be
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
The way things are going
They're going to crucify me
Well done! You're in the team photo with Weird Al Yankovic and the bards of Mad Magazine, which is good company to be in. And it neatly summarizes this whole simmering mess. 
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